I want so desperately to believe that you're out there.....that God has been preparing you for me, and me for you....and that its just taken this long because He has something really rare and really special for us. I don't understand how I could go my whole life without having met you yet....how you couldn't even be in my life right now....just as my friend. I really wish you were at least in my life so we could build a friendship, so we could have each other to share with and to trust in....so God could work between us and in us and write our love story and unite us together one day. And yet, it seems unreasonable at this point that anything like that will ever happen for me....unreasonable because I'm 26, and the older I get, the higher my standards get, the more likely a person like who I've imagined you to be and prayed for you to be doesn't exist....but even then, I still keep hoping and dreaming and believing that you're out there and that He's going to lead us together one day. I do know one man like the one I've prayed for God to work in you to be...I don't know him personally, but I've read his books...and his wife's books. His name is Eric Ludy. And he is the only true man of God I've ever seen in my life. (although, again, as I've said, I haven't seen or met him in person.) He is the only man I know who protected his wife's purity thoroughly and with utmost sacrifice before they were married, who went out of his way to learn about how to be sensitive and loving to her, to earn her affection and trust and heart, who fought to protect her heart at all costs, who is wildly and passionately abandoned to Jesus Christ, and is selfless and generous, and loving, caring, kind, considerate, gentle, sensitive, honorable, vulnerable, and strong all at the same time. And that's exactly what I'm looking for. And I'm also looking for a love story like his and Leslie's- one that only God could write. And one that would blow away every single Hollywood romance on the face of the Earth! And you may think it naive that I believe what Eric and his wife say in their books, but I do. I believe what they say about a God-written romance and love story and life and marriage and I want that with all of my heart and long for it with everything that I am. I believe that God DOES care about love and romance...I believe He is the Author of it. I believe He designed it to be special and amazing and a little piece of Heaven- I believe He designed marriage to be the closest thing to Heaven on Earth...and I believe He wants that for all of His children....I just think that most of us take matters into our own hands and don't allow Him to give us His best....I've done that on all accounts across the board of my life, and have created quite a mess of myself and my life because of it....and have done it so much to an extent that I don't even know His calling on my life anymore. I can't hear Him or feel Him or experience Him. But there's one thing I know and that is that He is here...with me...always...and has never left or forsaken me, just like He promised He never would. I know that even though I can't feel Him or sense Him or hear Him, that He is still here, that He still loves me, and that He still wants His best for me....more so, He wants ME to want His best for me. And so, hear I am, laying in bed with my laptop on my lap, at almost midnight on this January almost morning, with my heart aching and grieving and longing for exactly that....number one, for God Himself....and number two, for His best for me....across the board on all accounts....especially in you. I want Him to make you the best possible man in all of creation for me, and I want Him to make me the best possible woman in all of creation for you. I'll never expect you to be perfect, as I know full well that He is the only one who is, but I believe that you're out there somewhere and that you're the only perfect man for me on Earth. I've always believed that there is only one man for me.....it makes my stomach churn to admit that I thought I had found you before....but I hadn't. I want you to know that I didn't give myself to this person....I poured a lot of my heart into him which I painfully and deeply and with all of my heart regret because I know all of that should've been saved for you, but I have saved myself for you physically, and I hope with all my heart that you've done the same. Please forgive me for being in a relationship with someone who wasn't you....I didn't know any better. I thought that it was you, but 6 months into it, and after he proposed to me, I realized that he wasn't you and therefore, certainly could not marry him. I'll tell you this- I don't EVER want to make that mistake again. As painful as it is, and as much as I DO want to take matters into my own hands and hurry up this process, I will wait for you. I will wait for God to bring you into my life...and I will wait until He has revealed and made perfectly clear to BOTH of us that we are the one for each other before I will give my heart away again. Everything I am, He has made for you. And He has given me a lot. God gave me the most amazing, wonderful, supportive family. Sure, we have our issues and we aren't perfect, but we are always there for each other and are unconditionally loving and supportive. God blessed me with artistic talents that I am still waiting for Him to use.....although nothing has come to fruition yet, I must hold onto hope with all my heart that He will use my voice one day and the music that comes out of me one day in order to honor and glorify Himself. There are many incredible blessings that He has bestowed upon me, but the biggest and most priceless thing I have to offer is my heart. There is more love in my heart than most people have ever seen in their lives. I say that with no ego or boasting attached to it, other than boasting in Christ and what He has done for me....not because I deserve it, and not because I've earned it or can earn it because I can't, but because He loves me...and His love is alive and overflowing in my heart. And I am desperately waiting and aching and longing for Him to bring you into my life so I can share it with you. I've cried so many tears because I haven't found you yet....or you haven't found me yet. I'll tell you another thing- one of the biggest goals I have in this lifetime is to be the best wife on the face of the Earth....and I think God has equipped me to be so. I want to be there for you, love you like you've never been loved before, cherish you, honor you, respect you, fight for you, pray for you, serve Him with you, get down on our knees every night before bed and pray with you, travel with you, sing for you, play the piano for you, write music for you, and everything else imaginable under the sun. I want to give you everything. I want to give you all that I am. I want to know you, really know you....I don't even know where you are though. I don't even know who you are. All I know is that God has given me a fierce, unconditional, unbreakable love for you and I'm going to pour that out in prayer for you and in projects for you until we meet, and then, once I know that you're in my life and God has made that clear, I'll pour that into you even more.
I wonder if you've ever thought of me. I wonder if you've ever wished that I was there with you, that you knew what I look like or who I am. I wonder if you ever lie in bed awake at night and cry because you don't know where I am or if you'll ever find me. Ok, that's a long shot. I've done that, but you probably haven't. I wonder what God is still working out in me in order to make me the perfect woman for you....and what He is still working out in you in order for you to be the perfect man for me. And I wonder when He's going to decide to arrange us to meet each other...and how He'll do it.
I'm going to write you letters until He allows us to find each other. This and the projects I'm working on for you is what keeps my hope alive- its what makes you real to me right now although I haven't met you yet. Perhaps one day, you'll ever read these letters....who knows. All I know is that I wish you were here.
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