Mr. Almost Perfect

Within the past week I've come to a realization....one that has been in the back burner of my mind for quite some time possibly, but one that hadn't been brought to the forefront of my knowledge and experience until just recently. My realization: Satan uses the "good enough" the "seemingly great" and the "almost perfect" to distract us from what God's best truly is for us...he baits us with this "less than" in hopes of us buying it and choosing of our own free will NOT to have what God's intended best for us is. I recently had a very real experience in ALMOST falling for something so seemingly great, but would definitely have been the worst thing I could've gone through with because it was NOT God's BEST for me...not even close. Let me explain...

About 2 months ago, I started talking to someone I met on Christian Cafe. I don't talk to many people. My standards in men are Biblical standards- the standards that Christ holds us to, and therefore, that automatically wipes out most of the male population. However, this one guy was different. From just appearances, it seemed that there was significant evidence of a solid relationship with Christ, much fruit in his life because of his walk with Christ, and that he was just a solid, godly man. And perfect for me, no less....well, ALMOST perfect. See, he's in his 30's and has saved himself for marriage which is AMAZING and beautiful and something that is SO encouraging to see, he's talented (I've heard him sing and play the guitar), musical (insert aforementioned parenthesis here), FUNNY (oh my gosh, he has had me in stitches SO many times he's hysterical!), kind, thoughtful, considerate, loves the Lord, is taller than I am (I'm 6 feet tall, and while being shorter than me is NOT one of my deal breakers, I suppose you could say its an added bonus if the man God has for me is just a little bit taller), sensitive, able to express emotion, loves his family and has a great relationship with his parents, and is looking for many of the same things that I am when it comes to a relationship/future marriage...

So, what's the problem, you ask? Why did I decide that it would be wisest to cut off any further communication with him? Why did I just toss this seemingly "perfect" (I know that no person on Earth is perfect!) man to the metaphorical curb?

Well, its simple....He wants kids. And that is NOT an option for my life. No way. No how. Not ever. No thank you. End of discussion.

So, why, as someone who desires a childfree life, would I ever even CONSIDER talking to a man who wants kids? Because clearly for those couple of months I was out of my mind! LOL! No, really, here's the thing- when you're as old as I am and still single and there are less than a handful of true, good, godly men in the whole world who have almost everything you've ever wanted in a spouse....(minus one of the biggest non-negotiables)....and you seem to get along great in conversation and you seem to have found your equal match, its just hard not to hope for the possibility of him giving up wanting kids. But, gosh, how selfish of me! I hate that about myself....I don't consider myself a very selfish person, but gosh, when that ugly selfishness renders its ugly, disgusting head....EW! Anyway, almost from the beginning, he said he was open minded towards the kid thing- that he wanted to be married more than he wanted kids and that maybe he would meet the girl of his dreams, fall madly in love with her and decide that a life without kids is what would be best. That's what he said....but that's not how he spoke to me. He tried time and time again to convince me that having kids would be a good thing and that I could be happy if I had kids. And when that was made perfectly clear to me only less than a week ago, I decided that it would not be in either of our best interests to continue talking. I absolutely wish him well- I wish him God's very best for him, but since he wants kids, God's best for him is NOT me, and he is NOT God's best for me. But how tempting it is- when you're older and you're a die hard romantic sap and dream of a wonderful, godly marriage and sharing your love and life with someone- to ALMOST try and convince yourself that "this is it" when you know darn good and well that its not. I'm SO glad I was able to keep my heart from investing in him on a deep level, and on a level that would've completely torn me up to say goodbye to him. I'm glad that I kept a healthy distance and I'm glad I woke up to the truth of the matter....that it is NEVER EVER worth settling for ANY less than God's best for one's life. Not worth it at all. Sure, I could possibly have a husband who loves and adores me but would it be worth it if kids were in the picture too? No, no it wouldn't. Because kids would mean a destroyed marriage and a destroyed life and that is NOT the life I feel called to. Don't get me wrong- some people ARE called to have children, and do have them and they are wonderful with them and are incredible parents- and God bless them! We need people like that! But I would be a miserable parent. I'd hate myself, I'd resent my kids, and my relationship with my husband would be strained probably beyond repair and that's just not a life I'm ever going to sign up for.

I will say this: I am VERY encouraged to see firsthand that amazing, godly, respectable, honorable men still exist in this world. That gives me so much hope! And, I'll also say that if this man who is NOT my future spouse is so amazing, then how much more amazing will the man that God actually has for me be?!?! THAT is exciting!

In our last phone conversation, Satan's sad attempt to get me to stray from God's best for me asked me what would take more faith: "Continuing to get to know me (him) and praying about it and seeing where it could lead, or cutting off all conversation and never talking again?" (And from his reaction to my answer, I could tell that he was almost 100% sure that I'd say continuing to get to know him, and then deciding that we should still talk.....) But that wasn't my answer. It was in that moment that I woke up and realized- it would take far more faith to cut off our conversation and never talk again TRUSTING that God has someone who IS perfect out there for me and that I DON'T have to settle for a life I don't feel called to and don't feel His leading toward and that it would be flat out foolish, unwise, and ungodly to continue to talk to and get to know this man who definitely could never be my spouse one day. So, with a twinge of sadness, but more so, relief, I decided that we shouldn't talk anymore. And I believe that was the right decision. Because I do NOT want to invest my heart in someone who will not be my spouse one day. And I do not want to compromise the calling that I feel God has on my life and replace it with a life of having kids. That would be the worst thing I could possibly do.

So, I sit here now, still painfully aware of the fact that I am almost 27 and still single, don't have a single man within sight of the horizon of my life, and knowing that it will be near impossible to find a Christian man who also has a childfree mindset, but I hope onto the hope that God is bigger than ALL of that. He's bigger than all the statistics against me, bigger than my singleness, and bigger than my lifestyle that doesn't put me anywhere near single, Christian, godly men. And so, as the story of my life goes, I must continue to wait on Him and keep believing that His timing and ways are perfect even though in my fallen, human state, I don't understand them.

I thank Him for ALWAYS having my best interest at heart, and for giving me the guidance and the wisdom to NOT settle for less than His best. I know He has a plan for me and a calling on my life. I choose to believe that He has an amazing man out there for me as well. And am thankful for the continued opportunity to grow in my faith in and trust of Him during this season of singleness that has continued far longer than I would've liked it to. All in God's time though, all in His perfect time.

In closing, it is my opinion, that the difference between having settled for Mr. Almost Perfect and waiting for Mr. Perfect is the difference between a life that is a glimpse of Heaven, and a life that would be an almost literal hell on Earth. And that's exact what Satan wants- not only does he want hell for eternity for each of us, but he wants us to have hell on Earth too. So, let us stand up together, fight for what we know is right, stand up for the Truth, and wait for God to give us His best and put Satan in his place.

Dear God...

Dear Precious and gracious Lord,

I long to be united to the man that you have for me. I will not give up hope that you do have someone out there for me who you have been preparing for me, and also have been preparing me for. It seems that everyone around me is getting engaged or is already married and I'm so happy for them and I thank you and praise you for writing all of them beautiful love stories so that others in this dark, fallen world may see your love through them. I pray that you write me a beautiful love story as well. Please bring that one special man into my life who will pursue me and see my heart and love me for who you've created me to be. I long to share my life and love with him, to laugh with him, cry with him, sing and play the piano for him, pray with him and praise you with him....I long to know this man, and I long to be known by him. Lord, I see all these people around me who are just glowing because they have love in their life. I want to know what it is like to be truly loved by one person on this Earth, by one man on this Earth who will love you first and foremost above all else, and who will love me second only to you. I want to know what it is like to have one special man desire me as the only woman in his life and to not even want to look at other women because he's so committed to and in love with me. I want to give everything I am to this man...I want to pour all my love and all my life into him and make him long to be a better man for your sake. Lord, please send him to me. Please fill the aching, longing desires of my heart to be married and to be intimately loved by one person. Lord, please protect my heart and save all of me for the man you have created for me. Please bring him into my life and allow me to recognize him when you do. I want to be married, Lord. Please write me a love story straight from Heaven. Please allow me a marriage that is a reflection of Heaven and your love for us so that the rest of the world may know you and see you because of my marriage. This is what I long for, hope for, dream of, pray for. Please lead me to my future spouse. In Jesus precious name I pray. Amen.

Man of God, Future Husband, are you out there?

I want so desperately to believe that you're out there.....that God has been preparing you for me, and me for you....and that its just taken this long because He has something really rare and really special for us. I don't understand how I could go my whole life without having met you yet....how you couldn't even be in my life right now....just as my friend. I really wish you were at least in my life so we could build a friendship, so we could have each other to share with and to trust in....so God could work between us and in us and write our love story and unite us together one day. And yet, it seems unreasonable at this point that anything like that will ever happen for me....unreasonable because I'm 26, and the older I get, the higher my standards get, the more likely a person like who I've imagined you to be and prayed for you to be doesn't exist....but even then, I still keep hoping and dreaming and believing that you're out there and that He's going to lead us together one day. I do know one man like the one I've prayed for God to work in you to be...I don't know him personally, but I've read his books...and his wife's books. His name is Eric Ludy. And he is the only true man of God I've ever seen in my life. (although, again, as I've said, I haven't seen or met him in person.) He is the only man I know who protected his wife's purity thoroughly and with utmost sacrifice before they were married, who went out of his way to learn about how to be sensitive and loving to her, to earn her affection and trust and heart, who fought to protect her heart at all costs, who is wildly and passionately abandoned to Jesus Christ, and is selfless and generous, and loving, caring, kind, considerate, gentle, sensitive, honorable, vulnerable, and strong all at the same time. And that's exactly what I'm looking for. And I'm also looking for a love story like his and Leslie's- one that only God could write. And one that would blow away every single Hollywood romance on the face of the Earth! And you may think it naive that I believe what Eric and his wife say in their books, but I do. I believe what they say about a God-written romance and love story and life and marriage and I want that with all of my heart and long for it with everything that I am. I believe that God DOES care about love and romance...I believe He is the Author of it. I believe He designed it to be special and amazing and a little piece of Heaven- I believe He designed marriage to be the closest thing to Heaven on Earth...and I believe He wants that for all of His children....I just think that most of us take matters into our own hands and don't allow Him to give us His best....I've done that on all accounts across the board of my life, and have created quite a mess of myself and my life because of it....and have done it so much to an extent that I don't even know His calling on my life anymore. I can't hear Him or feel Him or experience Him. But there's one thing I know and that is that He is here...with me...always...and has never left or forsaken me, just like He promised He never would. I know that even though I can't feel Him or sense Him or hear Him, that He is still here, that He still loves me, and that He still wants His best for me....more so, He wants ME to want His best for me. And so, hear I am, laying in bed with my laptop on my lap, at almost midnight on this January almost morning, with my heart aching and grieving and longing for exactly that....number one, for God Himself....and number two, for His best for me....across the board on all accounts....especially in you. I want Him to make you the best possible man in all of creation for me, and I want Him to make me the best possible woman in all of creation for you. I'll never expect you to be perfect, as I know full well that He is the only one who is, but I believe that you're out there somewhere and that you're the only perfect man for me on Earth. I've always believed that there is only one man for me.....it makes my stomach churn to admit that I thought I had found you before....but I hadn't. I want you to know that I didn't give myself to this person....I poured a lot of my heart into him which I painfully and deeply and with all of my heart regret because I know all of that should've been saved for you, but I have saved myself for you physically, and I hope with all my heart that you've done the same. Please forgive me for being in a relationship with someone who wasn't you....I didn't know any better. I thought that it was you, but 6 months into it, and after he proposed to me, I realized that he wasn't you and therefore, certainly could not marry him. I'll tell you this- I don't EVER want to make that mistake again. As painful as it is, and as much as I DO want to take matters into my own hands and hurry up this process, I will wait for you. I will wait for God to bring you into my life...and I will wait until He has revealed and made perfectly clear to BOTH of us that we are the one for each other before I will give my heart away again. Everything I am, He has made for you. And He has given me a lot. God gave me the most amazing, wonderful, supportive family. Sure, we have our issues and we aren't perfect, but we are always there for each other and are unconditionally loving and supportive. God blessed me with artistic talents that I am still waiting for Him to use.....although nothing has come to fruition yet, I must hold onto hope with all my heart that He will use my voice one day and the music that comes out of me one day in order to honor and glorify Himself. There are many incredible blessings that He has bestowed upon me, but the biggest and most priceless thing I have to offer is my heart. There is more love in my heart than most people have ever seen in their lives. I say that with no ego or boasting attached to it, other than boasting in Christ and what He has done for me....not because I deserve it, and not because I've earned it or can earn it because I can't, but because He loves me...and His love is alive and overflowing in my heart. And I am desperately waiting and aching and longing for Him to bring you into my life so I can share it with you. I've cried so many tears because I haven't found you yet....or you haven't found me yet. I'll tell you another thing- one of the biggest goals I have in this lifetime is to be the best wife on the face of the Earth....and I think God has equipped me to be so. I want to be there for you, love you like you've never been loved before, cherish you, honor you, respect you, fight for you, pray for you, serve Him with you, get down on our knees every night before bed and pray with you, travel with you, sing for you, play the piano for you, write music for you, and everything else imaginable under the sun. I want to give you everything. I want to give you all that I am. I want to know you, really know you....I don't even know where you are though. I don't even know who you are. All I know is that God has given me a fierce, unconditional, unbreakable love for you and I'm going to pour that out in prayer for you and in projects for you until we meet, and then, once I know that you're in my life and God has made that clear, I'll pour that into you even more.

I wonder if you've ever thought of me. I wonder if you've ever wished that I was there with you, that you knew what I look like or who I am. I wonder if you ever lie in bed awake at night and cry because you don't know where I am or if you'll ever find me. Ok, that's a long shot. I've done that, but you probably haven't. I wonder what God is still working out in me in order to make me the perfect woman for you....and what He is still working out in you in order for you to be the perfect man for me. And I wonder when He's going to decide to arrange us to meet each other...and how He'll do it.

I'm going to write you letters until He allows us to find each other. This and the projects I'm working on for you is what keeps my hope alive- its what makes you real to me right now although I haven't met you yet. Perhaps one day, you'll ever read these letters....who knows. All I know is that I wish you were here.